November 18, 2020. 3:08 PM

I heard a therapist on the internet say that sometimes people are depressed not because their brains are malfunctioning, but because their lives suck, and their brains are functioning correctly in response to how purposeless their lives are. This has been getting to me. I feel like purpose and ambition are constantly slipping away from me. I have some very general ideas about what I want and what is very important or meaningful to me in my life, but I feel like I have to continually find them and grab them or else they'll escape me and I'll have to re-discover them all over again. It's like I'm spear fishing, but the fish are my will to live.

Addition at 3:16! I just closed a podcast that I had been listening to about butch lesbians, then reflexively scrubbed my search history. Why??? The only other person who sees my search history is Theo, an actual butch lesbian, since we share a spotify (that they pay for.) I don't know why I sometimes still treat queerness like it's a secret. I get embarrassed when I stand in front of the mirror and position myself in a certain kind of way, in certain kinds clothes. Even now, writing that sentence was embarrassing, and I didn't even fully articulate what I meant to say! I suppose what I'm trying to express is my frustrating with this bizarre, juvenile, consuming relationship that I have with female masculinity. I relate to it, I'm attracted to it, I even feel comfortable in it, but I am mortified to confront it in any honest way within myself. Even staring at it, eye to eye, in someone else, feels like a challenge– but what is being challenged, or why, I couldn't say.

I've been sleeping at my house more and more lately. It's not bad at all. I even like it.

Last night, I saw a photoset that a lesbian couple posted of themselves. They were two very kind-looking butches in very handsome neutral-toned suits. They looked so comfortable and happy. In one picture, they were standing in a living room at night and it looked so warm. In another picture, they were at what looked like a dinner party. They were kissing, but one of them was smiling, and that picture made me so sad. I want that in my future. Soon, but not too soon. I want it to be the right time, and I want it to bring me out of myself.

November 5, 2020. 12:00 PM

Tonight is the first time in a long time that I'm going to sleep in my own bed instead of Theo's. I usually can't sleep when I'm alone, or if I do I can't sleep through the night. I might just get super high before bed so that I can just pass out without anxiety.

November 3, 2020. 5:01 PM

I have failed all my classes this horrible online semester and then dropped them. I got into my dream school but couldn't go because of the pandemic. Theo and I decided to break up. I'm trying to transfer to a uni in Germany so that I can avoid paying horrendous tuition fees but I'm so poor and I might not be able to get a work visa as a student. I'm in emotional turmoil most of the time, but I may just be starting to claw myself out of the whole that I feel like I am in. Please, God, I know that so many people have had it worse than me, but no more suffering for a while.

March 4, 2020. 8:05 PM

I just got home from class. I drove around the block a few times before parking. I want to run through the street. I want to just go and go and go and go.

I want to throw rocks. I hate when I’m parked and my friends come out to my car to see why I haven’t come in yet. Friends ask how I am, and they mean to help me but they’re just making me explain myself. Why should I explain myself for having these feelings? How do I even begin?

March 1, 2020. 10:31 PM

Portrait of a Lady on Fire absolutely destroyed all of us. We occupied the entire front row, and at the end of the movie we were all holding each other and sobbing. It was a disaster.

Addition from 10:47 PM: The movie reminded me of a quote from Kate Chopin's "The Awakening." It is a quote from Edna's lover's parting letter, which said "Goodbye, because I love you."

March 1, 2020. 3:57 PM

I’m about to see “Portrait of a Lady on Fire” with Theo and Lisa, Leah and Ellie. I thought Walter and Shelly were going to come along, but they’re not. I’m a little sad about that. Walter and Shelly are just really fun to be around. Neither of them have any social media that I know about, so if I’m not seeing them in person, they just live in my memory. I don’t like that. When I’m away from a person, I tend to fill in the gaps of what I don’t know about them with my own imagined traits. I can make myself fall for someone when I do that.

Feb. 28, 2020. 11:30 AM

I recently heard a lesbian say, “It can actually be painful, how beautiful a woman is.” I think that’s true. When she said it, I felt it deeply.

I’ve recently started reading romance novels. I like the ones that make me feel a lot. Once, I was agonizing over a line in my book, and Lisa asked me why I read these books if they get me so upset. I didn’t know what to say. Doesn’t everyone like to feel?

I suppose that seeing a beautiful woman inspires in me the same feelings as good literature. Or, maybe it’s that a book about love and beauty is a shadow of the real thing. Maybe it’s the same feeling in different degrees.

Feb. 27, 2020. 9:11 PM

I loved holding Theo today. They came to my house between class and work, and we just held each other for a while. Lisa was bothering us because she wanted attention. We didn't care. Theo made some food, and then they had to leave for work.

I love how warm Theo is. I love when I get up close to kiss them and I can smell their neck and their hair. I love their hands and how tightly they hug me. At times like this, I think, fuck everyone else in the world. I will never need another partner but them. I imagine getting gay married to them and living in a quiet town and renting a boat in the summer. I imagine introducing them to my future colleagues as my wife, and going home at the end of the work day to my wife, and cooking dinner for my wife.

Feb. 27, 2020. 8:22 PM

I feel that I don't get enough alone time, typically. Today, Lisa told her grandfather that she wasn't sure if she wanted to go to an event downtown, but then allegedly said she would go anyway and needed a ride there, because this train wreck still hasn't learned to drive. She was at my house, and I was eager to be alone. Her grandfather thought she said she wouldn't go at all and so he went out drinking with his friends. Upon hearing this, Lisa became upset and asked me to give her a ride downtown. I didn't want to, and when I expressed that I didn't want to, she said that surely I would give my girlfriend a ride if they asked, so why wouldn't I drive her?

At this point, I wanted to throw her out of my house and lock all the doors and windows. But, fucking whatever, I thought, I'll drive her despite the guilt-trip. Now, you might be thinking, why am I being so harsh on poor Lisa? Well, we have a very complicated past. Her past trauma makes her almost entirely devoid of empathy and very manipulative, but at the same time I can see how hurt she is. I know she says guilt-tripping things because she's terrified of people leaving her and she's trying to keep them close. When Lisa was a tiny child, someone gave her a parakeet to hold. She didn't want it to fly away so she squeezed it too hard, and then it died. That basically sums up her current approach to relationships.

Anyway, I drove Lisa to her event and then drove home screaming. She wants to be near me all the time and I can't give as much as she wants to take.

January 10, 2020. 8:59 PM.

Note: It has come to my attention that I should've just wrote 'content' instead of 'contented'. Oh well.

Theo is rubbing my feet. I could not be any more contented.

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